Wedding.
Five days.
I am freaking, as much as I try not to. Freaking.
This morning I got the terrible news about Lori’s mom. I feel like an asshole for even thinking about how it’s going to affect me. When I think of how it must be affecting her, I feel even worse, like I somehow planned the wedding to happen at the same time!
My back feels as if my shoulder blades are being held together by steel cable, and someone keeps tightening it.
I have been soooo good about washing my face and putting the medicine on, yet it still decided to explode this weekend. It was getting better, and then poof, it goes nasty again. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me out and of course, stress is one of the things that makes it worse.
My job interview is tomorrow. I seriously have no business trying to represent myself as a competent human right now. Why did I schedule it for this week?!? Unbelievable dumbass.
ManThing and I have tried to make things as easy as possible, but I guess every wedding is the same when you get to the last week. Nit-pickery galore. You start to realize all the things you haven’t thought about. The babysitter, or babysitters, because I don’t know how many kids are going to be at this thing? How’s my dress getting to the club? Where the hell are we having the rehearsal dinner? Central Market better have goddam red Gerber daisies on Saturday.
All these stupid “what to do the week of the wedding” articles say things like “get enough sleep,” “get some exercise,” “try to relax,” “don’t have too much caffeine”- are they fucking kidding? I guess those suggestions are directed at trust-fund-having, non-working, gym-bunny, SUV-driving pieces of fluff who aren’t paying for anything themselves and weren’t stupid enough to start a new job too close to the wedding so they hadn’t accrued any time off yet!
Son of a! Mother! Piece of! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK!
*deep breath*
ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK!
This bitch better not ruin my honeymoon, because I'm already pretty pissed with Mother Nature as is.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
Architecture: What Price Sanity?
This morning a coworker and I went and crawled around in an old building that is going to be gutted and rehabbed. Once I came back to the office I realized I hadn’t managed to take any of the measurements relative to what I needed for floor-to-floor heights. Actually, I was told, in a fashion befitting an idiot, that I hadn’t. And then I “realized” he was right.
I had been happy to get out of the office and do something different, and started having thoughts about this place working out after all...this exchange put the kibosh on that. Again. My mood flipped from happy-to-get-out-of-the-office to you’re-a-moron-why-do-you-bother in an instant.
Every time I am brought down by something like this, I instantly blame that bitch, Architecture. I am constantly trying to come to grips with what it is that makes me so unhappy with practicing architecture.
After 5 years, I feel like I don’t know enough; and the knowledge I will feel that way for years to come, due to the nature of the business, is disheartening. Wall sections still elude me. Not having all the information about projects (budget? program? client expectations??) from the beginning causes me to spend a lot of time being confused about what is expected- from me, and the project.
Because I’ve always worked for someone, I haven’t stretched my design muscles since leaving school. BossMen tend to keep the fun bits to themselves. By the time I get onto a project, it has already been designed, and all that is left for me is to fix what they’ve screwed up in the way of code compliance and “build-ability.”
Healthcare architecture has gotten old for me- it’s project type I’ve been working on for the last five years. I know it’s the most lucrative right now, and I know I’m well versed in it, but I want to do something different!! The problem, however, is that it’s in high-demand, and the longer I do it, the less likely it will be that a company will want to waste that knowledge to let me go “play” on a project type I’ve never done before. There is no time or budget for exploration. Additionally, I have no other project types in my portfolio to show a company I’m capable of doing other things because…you guessed it….I haven’t done other things!
Money, or more accurately, the lack thereof, is a concern, but by no means the most important one. I knew, from Day One in architecture school, this was not a high-dollar industry unless you came from money, or knew people with money, to begin with. Right now I am below the pay scale for my experience level due to a couple of bad years with no raises and an unfortunate job change choice. I am hoping to remedy this somewhat with the next move I make.
As for starting my own business, I don't think I'd want to take a traditional approach. Designing something from the ground-up hasn’t felt nearly as attractive to me as taking something existing and making it better. I can see the potential in so many old buildings, but opportunity is the problem. Lack of money to buy the real estate. Lack of a client to pay for the work. Fear of inability to sell the buildings after sinking money into them. These things stop the thought process before it even begins. In school, this wasn’t a problem, because you were encouraged to follow through a project that would never be built. It was the whole point. In the working world, if it’s completely infeasible, you’re not supposed to waste time on it.
The familiar feeling that something’s got to change has been poking its head out. I’ve been feeling that a lot, and I can’t even say “lately,” because it’s been lurking, bouncing back and forth between my conscious and subconscious brains, for years. Not only my job path, but treating my body better, and treating my depression.
But that’s a different entry.
I had been happy to get out of the office and do something different, and started having thoughts about this place working out after all...this exchange put the kibosh on that. Again. My mood flipped from happy-to-get-out-of-the-office to you’re-a-moron-why-do-you-bother in an instant.
Every time I am brought down by something like this, I instantly blame that bitch, Architecture. I am constantly trying to come to grips with what it is that makes me so unhappy with practicing architecture.
After 5 years, I feel like I don’t know enough; and the knowledge I will feel that way for years to come, due to the nature of the business, is disheartening. Wall sections still elude me. Not having all the information about projects (budget? program? client expectations??) from the beginning causes me to spend a lot of time being confused about what is expected- from me, and the project.
Because I’ve always worked for someone, I haven’t stretched my design muscles since leaving school. BossMen tend to keep the fun bits to themselves. By the time I get onto a project, it has already been designed, and all that is left for me is to fix what they’ve screwed up in the way of code compliance and “build-ability.”
Healthcare architecture has gotten old for me- it’s project type I’ve been working on for the last five years. I know it’s the most lucrative right now, and I know I’m well versed in it, but I want to do something different!! The problem, however, is that it’s in high-demand, and the longer I do it, the less likely it will be that a company will want to waste that knowledge to let me go “play” on a project type I’ve never done before. There is no time or budget for exploration. Additionally, I have no other project types in my portfolio to show a company I’m capable of doing other things because…you guessed it….I haven’t done other things!
Money, or more accurately, the lack thereof, is a concern, but by no means the most important one. I knew, from Day One in architecture school, this was not a high-dollar industry unless you came from money, or knew people with money, to begin with. Right now I am below the pay scale for my experience level due to a couple of bad years with no raises and an unfortunate job change choice. I am hoping to remedy this somewhat with the next move I make.
As for starting my own business, I don't think I'd want to take a traditional approach. Designing something from the ground-up hasn’t felt nearly as attractive to me as taking something existing and making it better. I can see the potential in so many old buildings, but opportunity is the problem. Lack of money to buy the real estate. Lack of a client to pay for the work. Fear of inability to sell the buildings after sinking money into them. These things stop the thought process before it even begins. In school, this wasn’t a problem, because you were encouraged to follow through a project that would never be built. It was the whole point. In the working world, if it’s completely infeasible, you’re not supposed to waste time on it.
The familiar feeling that something’s got to change has been poking its head out. I’ve been feeling that a lot, and I can’t even say “lately,” because it’s been lurking, bouncing back and forth between my conscious and subconscious brains, for years. Not only my job path, but treating my body better, and treating my depression.
But that’s a different entry.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
The Unleashing...uh, I mean Unveiling
I went semi-public with this thing today. Tried it out on Mikey first, then sent it to all sorts of people.
Gave folks the option to not have me use their real names. Lori says to use her at will!
Tried to remove any connectivity with my "real life."
Added a few links.
Listed myself on The Fantasy Blog Shares Market...buy my stock!!
Added the Futurama quote in the sidebar. Hee.
I've actually spent most of the morning touching it up, adding bits, etc., with sorta-permission from work. One of the projects I'm doing is on hold because the owners won't sign the lease, ergo, we aren't getting paid yet. The other is out to the City and awaiting comments. The person I'm supposed to ask for more work is out until lunch? 2:00? The End of Time? Who knows??
Gave folks the option to not have me use their real names. Lori says to use her at will!
Tried to remove any connectivity with my "real life."
Added a few links.
Listed myself on The Fantasy Blog Shares Market...buy my stock!!
Added the Futurama quote in the sidebar. Hee.
I've actually spent most of the morning touching it up, adding bits, etc., with sorta-permission from work. One of the projects I'm doing is on hold because the owners won't sign the lease, ergo, we aren't getting paid yet. The other is out to the City and awaiting comments. The person I'm supposed to ask for more work is out until lunch? 2:00? The End of Time? Who knows??
Interesting articles
Found this article while ego-searching for my blog on Google:
Designing for the Dispossessed
Sweet, sweet justice...
Puppy Shoots Man
Designing for the Dispossessed
Sweet, sweet justice...
Puppy Shoots Man
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Why so difficult!!
Ten days until the wedding. I am freaking. Not even because of the wedding, per se.
I am stressed about:
I am stressed about:
- crappy job
- lack of money
- lack of money making me unable to quit crappy job
- starting to look for new (hopefully not crappy) job
- fatness - I should have been motivated to do something about it- it's my wedding, for crap's sake!!
- fatness - I'm afraid people will think it's a shotgun wedding because of the Buddha Belly
- fatness - I'm so stressed by it that it gets 3 entries!
- lack of exercise
- lack of will to exercise
- can't eat gluten
- can't eat dairy
- want dairy
- may be getting gluten even though I'm trying not to
- don't know whether to get refill on antidepressants
- waiting to see whether quitting gluten and dairy will someday cause me to not need antidepressants
- stomach won't cooperate and behave itself
- my nails look like crap
- my hair looks like crap
- fear of coloring my hair, when I've never had that fear before- see below
- afraid all wedding photos will look like crap ("bridal glow" only goes so far)
- the violent mood swings that are accompanying all of this fun!
Plus, I've gotten myself jacked up on too much coffee and not enough breakfast. I'm like an uber-angry Cornholio.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Transcript of a really bad day:
7:00am Get in early so I can leave early.
7:00am-8:00am Slack, right out in the open, because nobody else is in the office yet. Check hotmail. Get coffee.
8:00am-8:05am Open AutoCAD. Draw a few lines.
8:05am-10:00am Check all the usual websites. CNN. Tomato Nation. Delphi Forums. New hotmail yet?
10:01am Write to Liz and Lori about how much this job sucks and why isn’t it time to go yet?
10:03am-11:30am Intermittently stare blankly at screen and draw some more stuff.
11:36am Start thinking about lunch. Start thinking about “working” through lunch to leave even earlier. Realize leaving at four would be unacceptable and possibly result in getting canned.
11:45am Is that really such a bad thing?
11:47am Stop that!
11:48am OhDearGodisitlunchYET?!?!?
11:52am Okay, how about now…..crap.
11:57am Close enough, dangit!
12:00pm-1:15ish-pm Lunch. Ahhhh. Sanctioned Slacking.
1:15pm Write to Liz and Lori about how I’m tired of working for Boss Man to pay off his BMW and he needs to bite me.
1:16pm-3:00pm Intermittently stare blankly at screen and draw some more stuff. Try to focus on doing more of the latter.
3:00pm-4:37pmsome work in there somewhere, I suppose. Hotmail?
4:55pm Al…most….there….close enough! GO!GO!GO!
Just imagine how bad it is on the days where I have to stay until 6.
7:00am-8:00am Slack, right out in the open, because nobody else is in the office yet. Check hotmail. Get coffee.
8:00am-8:05am Open AutoCAD. Draw a few lines.
8:05am-10:00am Check all the usual websites. CNN. Tomato Nation. Delphi Forums. New hotmail yet?
10:01am Write to Liz and Lori about how much this job sucks and why isn’t it time to go yet?
10:03am-11:30am Intermittently stare blankly at screen and draw some more stuff.
11:36am Start thinking about lunch. Start thinking about “working” through lunch to leave even earlier. Realize leaving at four would be unacceptable and possibly result in getting canned.
11:45am Is that really such a bad thing?
11:47am Stop that!
11:48am OhDearGodisitlunchYET?!?!?
11:52am Okay, how about now…..crap.
11:57am Close enough, dangit!
12:00pm-1:15ish-pm Lunch. Ahhhh. Sanctioned Slacking.
1:15pm Write to Liz and Lori about how I’m tired of working for Boss Man to pay off his BMW and he needs to bite me.
1:16pm-3:00pm Intermittently stare blankly at screen and draw some more stuff. Try to focus on doing more of the latter.
3:00pm-4:37pm
4:55pm Al…most….there….close enough! GO!GO!GO!
Just imagine how bad it is on the days where I have to stay until 6.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
EDGY!!!
I wish I could figure out a way to take the edge off of my anxiousness. I sit at work all day with the same thing running through my head…”I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here….”I think that all day long, and think about all the other things I could be doing, but when I get home I don’t do any of them. I’m just so glad to be out of the office, it’s like those things don’t matter anymore.
And.
I. Want. Some. Stinkin'. CHEESE!!!! I don't know if it's part of the "detoxing" from going dairy-free, or what, but I want it all the time. I've been searching in vain for a decent substitute. I've spent more time than I care to mention at vegan websites. I'm so not vegan, I just want some "cheez" of some kind!! I'm dyin' here!
And.
I. Want. Some. Stinkin'. CHEESE!!!! I don't know if it's part of the "detoxing" from going dairy-free, or what, but I want it all the time. I've been searching in vain for a decent substitute. I've spent more time than I care to mention at vegan websites. I'm so not vegan, I just want some "cheez" of some kind!! I'm dyin' here!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)