Friday, March 24, 2006

I am an angry monkey, all of the time.

I am angry with the fact that my career is in virtual standstill due to not being able to give my employer a surgery date.
I am angry that I am not a designer, and because I know that now is not the time to try to become one in this company, because of aforementioned surgery dilemma.
I am angry that I have so few contacts in the architectural community, thus I can’t get anymore referral bonuses from getting more people hired on here.
I am angry that the young designers who sit next to me are getting more of their young-designer colleagues hired on, thus bumping me farther down the queue to becoming a designer myself.
I’m angry with myself for not growing a pair during the round of interviews that lead me to this job; I was honest about my capabilities, like a weenie, so that I was saddled with the title Project Coordinator, instead of Project Architect, as I should be.
I am angry that I don’t know how to go about changing that, or if I even have a vote in changing it.

This is a good place, I know it is, but I’m afraid I’m hurting my chances here with all this anger. Things have the potential to get better, but it won’t be overnight, or even in the near future. Patience is not one of my strong points, and I’ve already been dealing with crappy assignments and frustrating tasks for over a year now- I’m surprised I haven’t snapped and done something really stupid before now, as a matter of fact. The way it’s been manifesting lately is in my tendency to snip away at the number of hours I work per week. Monday, I called in sick and played World of Warcraft all day. Yesterday, I snuck out an hour early. Today, I sat and typed this entry, when I could have easily found some busywork to do.

After returning from the convention the office sent me to a few weeks ago, I had a renewed sense of purpose. I was motivated and inspired, even though I was assigned, once again, to work on nothing but wall sections for my next project. Too bad it didn’t last. It only lasted long enough for me to commit myself to creating a presentation that I now don’t want to give anymore.

1 comment:

Alex said...

It sounds like you need a break. I hope the weekend did you some good. I find myself feeling the same way about my job, but for different reasons.

And, I think that recognizing how angry you are will help you NOT to get angry and do something stupid.

Or, you can always try screaming into your pillow. Mine's worn out.