Thursday, March 31, 2005

Sometimes You Feel Like a Cad Monkey, Sometimes You Don't.

A few things for those of you out there slackin' on a Friday...oh, don't try to act like you're not!

The Advertising Slogan Generator
Being the rational adults we are, ManThing and I received the following charming slogans for our choice of word:

Nothin' Says Lovin' Like a Colostomy From the Oven
Not Your Father's Colostomy
Look Ma, No Colostomy!

Taking a cue from Kimba, I may use this to generate all my post titles!

And this little beauty...
The Calvin Pelorian Cat Project

I'd try it at home myself, but I'd rather keep all my fingers, thankyouverymuch.

Monday, March 28, 2005

"Good" Friday continues...into "Good Monday!"

The cat decided that Monday should start out much like Friday did…by her horking on a windowsill wayyyy too early in the morning. ManThing swears she’s on a schedule. That did wonders for my mood. However, ManThing was later in the running for Who Had the Worse Day:

To: CAD Monkey
From: ManThing
Subject: HAH!
I beat you again!
You thought your day was starting out bad, but check this out. First, we have seven new people starting today, and none of their computers came in on Friday. Plus a VP is showing up today and I have to get his system up and running. Beyond that, someone who's been putting off major maintenance to their system just handed it to me, AND I got something in from [shipping] and managed to cut the crud out of my thumb on the box. Did I mention that [the only other person in my department] called in today and [my boss is] still on vacation?

CAD Monkey:
Not so fast...
I have a set of drawings that is supposed to be at the contractor's by noon today, which means I need to have all the sheets from my consultants within the next half hour so the set can be copied. But, wait! On Friday afternoon, my Project Manager said something about the "roof ‘possibly’ not being able to withstand the weight of the new air carrier we're putting up there." He said he'd put in a call to the structural engineers this morning...he's not here this morning. He's out of town. I have no idea who I'm supposed to call to find out about this, I have no time to find out about this, and if I send the set out without an answer, it will likely come back and bite us when they find the roof can't hold the air carrier.

I still think that I'm in the lead, by a thumb.

CAD Monkey:
I would say you win, except for the part where you get to eat chocolate cake today (at a co-worker’s going-away party).

No no no no. I won't get chocolate cake because VP Smellsalot is over here, and I need to get the data off of his computer and onto his new one ASAP. He is in a meeting now and nobody will disturb him and nobody knows when he's getting out.

CAD Monkey:
Then you win, because I said "screw it," and sent the drawings to the printer without knowing whether or not the roof will cave in. And the print guy tells me there's "no way" the drawings will make it to the contractor by noon, and I don't care about that, either.

CAD Monkey:
…and the stupid project is back. Now, we’re not sending it out because Project Manager called (someone else, not me, the PERSON IN CHARGE OF GETTING THE DRAWINGS OUT) and said not to send it out, even though he was adamant about getting them there by noon. Maybe he could have resolved this issue before NOW?!?!

(sarcasm) I, personally, enjoy doing unnecessary work (/sarcasm), like I will be doing later today. We ordered computers to replace computers that we will then configure for other users. Flip-flops are so much fun. If someone needs a new computer, WHY NOT ORDER THEM ONE?

CAD Monkey:
"I, personally, enjoy doing unnecessary work"
You'd make a fantastic architect- better than me- if that were true.

I'm guessing that now would not be the best time to tell him our trip to Frankfurt is off, due to being a couple of broke-asses.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Sure didn't start out "Good"

It was 5am in the CAD Monkey household, and I was having a dream that I was shooting a live news report in an “architecturally significant” high school, where the student body of said high school was awaiting the arrival of Christina Ho-guilera.* The school’s hallways- floors, walls, everything- were clad in tiles, alternating between 2 colors of blue-green. Hideous. The columns were covered in mirrored tiles. Also hideous. How this building was supposed to be “architecturally significant” is a secret shared by my subconscious and the Frito pie I had for dinner the night before. Also, I was apparently the TV camera- not the camera operator, nor the newscaster; I was the actual camera. Again, I stress, Frito pie.

On the fringes of consciousness, I hear:


Oh, goody. The cat has hurled. I’ll clean it up in an hour, when the alarm goes off.

clackity clackity clackity…

The Dog goes to investigate whether the cat hork is in a spot accessible to her eating it.

clackity clackity clackity…apparently it is not. That means the cat has chosen her favorite Spot o’ the Hurl: the bathroom windowsill. The Dog lies back down, and resumes the never-ending task of licking her stank feet. With dawning revulsion, I realize that the cat is probably undertaking the horror The Dog had intended to commit. I go clean it up.

Good Friday, my ass.

*I also blame the Frito pie for my subconscious’s choice of skanky celebrity.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

What the crap is wrong with me?
I just got a phone call from the Mothership, saying that they want to put me on a Request for Qualifications as a Project Architect. This is the second time, in the three months I've been here, that this opportunity has been discussed. Just like the last time, my first (completely internal, thankfully) reaction was oh crap oh crap oh crap I'm not ready I'm gonna fuck it up and I think I may hurl. I need to take the next step up in my career, and here it is, dangled right in front of me- again- years sooner than it happens for most people.

I'm so incredibly scared, perhaps because I haven't had anybody in my life to watch as they climbed the professional ladder; I'm the first in the family to finish college. Nobody here seems to realize that I've never acted- completely on my own- as PA before. Half of me wants to allow them to overlook that fact, the other half feels I need issue a disclaimer regarding my lack of experience. I've never been confident in the Fake-It-'Til-You-Make-It approach, especially not in work matters. Although, I must be convincing someone that I know what I'm doing, even if my self-image is on par with a person who walks around with a finger up her nose. I joked about becoming Employee of the Month, after being here for two weeks. Three months after I started here, they gave it to me.

Heh, heh, heh...gulp.

I had to sneak off to a conference room and call ManThing to have him talk me down. He's damn good at it. Crisis averted for the moment, he asked me, "what's the big deal about being a Project Architect, anyway?"
"Well, it would mean I am running the whole project- by myself- and that's a big thing!!" There would be no "buffer" between the client and me- I would be the buffer. That brought up a whole slew of other thoughts...I need better clothes, I hate my skin, why do I still feel like the stupid little sixth grader with ugly glasses when I'm really a grown-up?!?

I am freaking the hell out…again…and it still hasn't actually come to pass yet. I wonder what will happen the day I actually do become a PA. I may die of a heart attack. At 31.

What do you mean, that I "seem high-strung??"

[pops a Tums into her mouth]

[eye twitch]

Monday, March 14, 2005

Fun With Search Words, Part II

Somebody came to visit the site as a result of a search for “how to write thesis and conclusion on mad cow disease.”

That's the funniest damn thing I've seen all day...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Monkey wants a MINI

Sometimes I think I made a mistake by starting this blog. It was a way for me to vent, to fume, to blow off steam, and other heat-related metaphorical nonsense. In order for me to do that, I had to be- and have to remain- anonymous. It makes me feel like a liar sometimes, even though what I write is true.

Today, however, the reason why I am bothered by the need for anonymity is a completely shallow one. I want a MINI. I have wanted one for over a year now. I am trying to scrounge up the cash for the down payment, and I thought, for a moment, that now would be the time to resort to begging, and put a PayPal donation button on the site...but...

I can't. Because then the world would know my name. And that would be bad.

Stupid professional integrity.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Such is the nature of this business that you are either obscenely busy, or impatiently waiting for something to do. I like to be busy, I just don't like to be busy in the "oh man it's all got to get done right now and I only have one day to do a week's worth of work" sense. How I long for a nice, predictable, steady flow of work, every day.

Right now, I am bored because I have done everything I can do on this project, for the moment, without either A) talking to a consultant about equipment, who can't see me until Monday; or B) going out to the site to measure existing conditions, which also isn't happening until Monday. It's only a one-room project, for cryin' out loud. There's not a whole lot else I can do that hasn't already been done.

I am quite dangerous when I'm bored at work. When I get bored like this, I start thinking about other things I could be doing for a living, and I'm still coming up with a big, fat zero. My latest fancy is getting a license to become a Registered Accessibility Specialist, so I can start my own consulting business. Every time I think about "starting my own business," the fear sets in. I know the proper way for me to do it would be to start it "on the side," but honestly, I barely want to work the 40 hours I'm working now. That leaves the other option: jumping in with both feet and doing it full time from the beginning. Hence, the fear.

ManThing and I watched Office Space again this past weekend, and I find myself making the same lamentation as Peter when he wondered why he couldn't just got to work and be happy about it. Why, indeed? Why do I have to make such a big damn deal out of this? Most people don't like what they do. Why should I be special? I don't have these thoughts nearly as often when I'm busy, but I lack the ambition to search for more work during these slow times.

"You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. I just don't care."

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Morning Commute, Part II

I left the house at a little past 7 this morning, thinking that I would miss the bulk of the morning idiot traffic and have a pleasant drive.

Ah, Dallas, how I overestimate thee.

As I was “coasting down” to 20mph for the Most Pointless School Zone ever, the asshole in the BMW next to me lays on his horn because I didn’t slow down, point blank, to 20, immediately after passing the sign. I guess he feels it is his duty to protect the Future Over-privileged Twats of America. This particular school zone is for a school whose name ends in "Academy," and is the worst of all the ones I go through. I have never seen a human- nay, not even a squirrel- much less a child in this school zone. This school zone is devoid of life. The building itself is set back 400 feet from the road, so I can’t even think that it’s a noise-reduction issue. When I pulled up to wait at the left turn signal, I gave Self Appointed Traffic Cop the Glare of Death as he passed. And then I watched as he pulled out a newspaper and began reading it. At the steering wheel.

Mr. Save the Children obviously couldn’t give a crap about the other adults on the road. He's much too busy making sure cretins like me don't run over nebulous trust fund babies.